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Once, i read somewhere, loneliness makes the loudest noise. I laughed because I thought that’s ridiculous. Never would have thought the phrase is going to happen to us. To me. The craziest thing is: loneliness makes the loudest noise we’re together, not when we’re alone. Who’s laughing now? Neither of us. We’re too busy to pick what’s left of our shattered hearts.

We feel the hug but we don’t feel the warmth. I feel the kiss but I don’t feel the love.  Shattered dreams. Shattered love. Shattered hope. And we still smiled at each other. We were smiling at each other. Your smile was filled with love. My smile was filled with … nothing. Where did we go wrong? I thought we had the love, the strongest love. The love is still there, but … where is the flame that keeps us together? Where is the bond that makes us fight together? I thought we would be together and forever just like the fairy tale. Little did we know, forever is the biggest lie. We choose to believe what makes us happy, not what makes us see the reality. Now we have to pay the price. Now we have to deal with the broken hearts.

There’s a million questions that keeps on ringing in my head: Do we still feel the love when we deliberately hurt each other? Isn’t it ironic the one you thought would never hurt you would be the one who caused you the biggest pain? Isn’t it funny and sad at the same time when the one who made you laugh is also the one who made you cry? The thought that we would survive anything, everything that comes our way sounds so stupid now, doesn’t it? I know when you hurt me, you only hurt yourself. How do I know this? Because I do the same thing.

Do you remember the night you cried silently because you realized there’s nothing to hold on to anymore? I do. It happened to me. So many times. The thought of losing each other that was unbearable is the only thing that makes sense now. Do you feel the same?

There are more questions unanswered. Questions I don’t want to know the answers because it’s like stabbing my chest with a sharp cold knife a million times.

All of the songs we used to sing together lost their meaning the day we said goodbye. We said goodbye not because we lose the love. We said goodbye because we love too much we hurt each other more and more. The only good in goodbye was when I finally see you smile. I didn’t know our love could be so suffocating. Saying goodbye doesn’t hurt. Watching you walk away and knowing you will never come back does. But hey, I am still smiling. Can you see?

The greatest comedy on Earth is how love crushes everything, yet we can’t get enough of it.

What hurts the most is not the pain we caused to each other. What hurts the most is … I love you….

Now please let me drown in loneliness again. Loneliness and me. We are two best friends. We are lover. My other lover, is pain. Loneliness, me and the pain. The three of us. We’re addicted to each other. No matter where we run, we’re always back to hug each other.

— post ini adalah kumpulan tweet #PecahDiUbud yang sudah dimodifikasi–

— postingan ini bukan curhat ekeh– X))

 

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I have a lot of stories to tell. That's why I write. That's how I become immortal. New book: #SomewhereOnlyWeKnow